Pressure OK? Part 2 – Dear Newbie

This evenings’ activities ended, as many do, with a quick trip in to the night markets for a massage. For fifteen bucks it just seems wrong to not have one if I’m in the city at night. Towards end of my compulsory foot soak, Roy – who I know to be in possession of the aforementioned “Touch” (read Part 1 here) finished with his last customer. And I was next! I had managed to get one of the best without even asking for him by name or having to wait longer! It was like I’d hit the jackpot without buying a ticket! The celebrations were over as soon as they began with the prompt and timely arrival of a customer requesting a neck and shoulder rub. No foot soak required. FUCK! That dirty rotten queue jumper just stole my man! If he’d had hair I would’ve pulled it!

As I watched my best shot for a good return on my $15 investment work his magic on another (clearly less deserving) human, I was ushered to my second (slightly more comfortable) deck chair by a young man whose small stature would have allowed him to eyeball my nip-nips without casting his gaze downwards even the slightest, and whose chin was scantily littered with what is commonly referred to as ‘bum fluff’ – but in this case would be better described as chin pubes. Long, black, wiry chin pubes. Not really important – he was going to be rubbing my feet, not preparing my dinner – I just really hope this look doesn’t start trending!

I hadn’t seen this person before and was hoping he wasn’t a brand spanker. It wasn’t long before I decided he was, and not much longer still before I decided to pen him this open letter….

Dear Newbie,

Firstly, thanks for rubbing my feet. I know they’re not pretty.

As a regular customer at your new place of employ, I feel I have a few pointers I can share with you that will expedite your promotion from newbie status and beyond. Maybe you could even be the next Roy… With my help, of course.

1. I commend you for getting all (both) your lines right. The “Pressure OK?” and “Sank Yew Berry March” were both right on cue. But can I please suggest that you follow the choreography just as carefully? DO NOT improvise! That thing you did to my head was just plain weird and ultimately pointless (that thing you did to my forearm, however, was frikking awesome. You can keep that in there).

2. Try not to register a look of shock when I say I want it harder. I know I look like a delicate little flower *cough* and although I’m sure you think your Ken-doll sized hands are amply strong, but had my eyes been closed I may have mistaken your fingers for a bunch of Kraft cheesesticks.


3. I really don’t care if you talk while you work. I mean, don’t talk to me – I’m too busy either drooling or internally criticising what you’re doing to chit chat – but by all means gab away to your mates. UNLESS you lack the ability to multi-task. If you are unable to maintain the desired pressure and concentrate on the task at hand while holding your conversation, then please SHUT YOUR TRAP!


4. I appreciate that you found a sore spot on my lower back and wanted to help. But my shoulders are also sore and are now left feeling neglected and jealous of the attention shown elsewhere. Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re some kind of massage therapist professional. This is production line. The clock is ticking and there’s no time to waste. You can’t sacrifice a whole part of the dance to do a solo. Not at your level. Just do it how you were told to. Plus the forearm thing.

5. Normally as a customer I appreciate efficiency, but not when it comes to massage. I am paying for a timed service so when my massage ends at the same time as the persons next to me whose massage started 5 minutes before mine you can expect a less friendly version of me after: Let’s call her SJ2.NO


I took it easy on you tonight and spared you of my dirty looks over the counter as you processed my payment, because you hadn’t yet had a chance to read this letter. But by the time I next visit, I should imagine this letter will have gone viral and, after reading it, heeding it and sharing it’s valuable contents with your colleagues you will be popular with all customers and co-workers alike. Might I also suggest that gifting a framed print of this list to your boss will be sure get you in the good books – who wouldn’t want my opinion? It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

You’re welcome.



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