I have this terrible habit of not saying what I want or need to say to people before it’s too late.
I never used to be this way, I used to make a point of telling people what they meant to me and how much I loved them. The year that I turned 13 I lost my Father, Aunt, Grandad and a close family friend who was only 19, so I knew that time was precious and fleeting. It was probably the only thing that I knew for sure at that point. So I told everyone (by everyone, I mean my friends – obviously my family didn’t need to hear how much I loved them or what I was feeling! Teen logic 101) and was unapologetically sappy and sentimental.
Then I found out that this had made me the butt of one particular “friends” jokes. Anytime things got a bit heavy she would say “Ugh, that sounds like something Sarah would say” and switch the topic. I realise now that this is because she was lacking in depth (and some might say, a soul) and nothing to do with me. But looking back it has dramatically impacted my ability to really tell people how I feel about them. So stupid. Fuck I hate these light bulb moments: Yes, it’s an opportunity for change but it also makes me angry at myself for allowing such stupid, insignificant incidents and comments to have had such a big effect on me.
Anyway, I’m not doing it anymore. I’m saying the things. All the things. No matter how hard it is to say, or how vulnerable it leaves me feeling. Because the one thing worse than regretting what you’ve said is regretting what you didn’t say.